Introduction: My Journey Begins
As I was coming up with ideas for how to put this whole thing together and tell my story I looked at several different websites for "how to write a book," etc. Then, a friend suggested ChatGPT to help me organize my thoughts. I spent several days talking with Karl -- that's what I've named my ChatGPT -- explaining what I wanted to write about, why I felt I wanted to share my story, how I wanted it to feel, etc. and he put me through the wringer as far as questions I had to answer in order to put some sort of order to this whole thing. The next few entries you see here will be the raw questions and answers -- no fancy writing, nothing special, just real honesty that when finished I can take to an editor to help me make it make sense in book form. And with that, here we go...
Why I’m Writing This Book: My Hope, My Faith, and My Mission
If you had to summarize your life’s message in one sentence, what would it be?
Go live your life, go do what you’ve got to do to figure it out, but don’t turn your back on God - ever!
What do you want people to feel after reading this book? Not just know—but feel in their bones?
I want people to feel that God is real, that God loves them, that God KNOWS them inside and out. There is nothing that you can do that is “too much, too big, too bad, etc.” for God. He knows you, he loves you, and he yearns for a deeply personal relationship with you. Don’t listen to the haters (including those in your own head), listen to Him!
If this book could reach just one person who needs it, who is that person? Describe them. What are they struggling with?
A young, spiritually conflicted gay boy who loves God but feels the overwhelming pressures of his church culture and feels that he’s a horrible, unlovable sinner without hope for love, acceptance, and/or relief from the overwhelming guilt and shame he carries with him. In fact, he doesn’t even need to be gay – maybe he’s just struggling with feeling unseen, unknown, and unheard – a kid needing all the things mentioned above struggling with whatever it is that feels bigger than he is at the moment.
What did you need to hear at your lowest point? How would this book have changed things for you back then?
Knowing that I was not a mistake. That I was not hateful, awful, horrible, or rotten. That I was made in the image of my father in heaven who knows me better than I know myself. That God doesn’t make mistakes and that I am perfectly imperfect exactly how I was and that I was worthy of love, happiness, success, and acceptance without guilt or shame. That I had a place at the table and that I truly belonged.
What scares you the most about putting this story out into the world? What are you afraid people will misunderstand?
I’m scared that people will lash out at me for my beliefs because they are so out of the box and unconventional. My story is deeply personal and isn’t “the typical gay story” or a story about “a guy who found the lord and married a woman and isn’t gay anymore.” I would NEVER recommend someone who is gay to marry a woman to “fix” his gayness. EVER! That’s NOT what I did and I fear that some people might see that and/or come at me for “not being my authentic self,” but I would argue that I am indeed more authentic the way I choose to live now.
Why now? Why is this the moment in your life when you’re ready to tell this story?
People who have heard parts of my story have told me that I am influential and/or inspirational. I have some pretty powerful and amazing stories with my relationship with God and I want others to have those same experiences. I am sick of the church culture of NOT knowing Jesus personally and NOT having a personal relationship with him. I’m tired of people having surface faith and just going through the motions and not experiencing God as I have. The truth is, there’s nothing special about me or my circumstances or situation. Lots of people struggle with being gay and with loving God and dealing with a fucked up church culture. Lots of people know God like I do, but I don’t hear any stories similar to mine. And if I can help even ONE struggling kid out there who feels alone come to find the peace and understanding of a truly loving father in heaven then I will have done my job. It’s NOT about “the gay” either - whatever your struggle is doesn’t matter! GOD STILL LOVES YOU!!! The end.
How did you wrestle with the idea of writing a book that talks about both faith and sexuality? Did you ever feel like you had to choose between the two?
Never! This is my story and it’s all I’ve ever known. My faith and my sexuality are so intertwined and there is no way I could separate the two from each other. At the end of the day, it’s my faith that has allowed me to be okay with my sexuality and know that there’s nothing “wrong” with me or my lifestyle. It’s my gayness that allows me to have deep faith that I am known by God and that I am deeply loved by him. The two go hand in hand with each other and I am grateful, sitting here as a 48 year old man who’s FINALLY figured it out, and if I can help even ONE kid fast forward to this point at 13 or 16 or 19 years of age so that they don’t have to go through all the shit I did, and to come to terms with how much God loves them, and save them the turmoil and the heartache and the suffering, then I have achieved my goal in writing this memoir.
If God were writing the foreword to this book, what do you think He’d say?
It doesn’t matter what you’ve been told by so-called Christians. I love you! Full stop. There is NOTHING you have done, are currently doing, or will do that will make me love you any less. You are perfectly imperfect and you are exactly as I made you to be. You are my child and nothing you do will ever change my feelings for you. I am so proud of the person you are - right now, in this moment. And I am so proud of the person you’re going to be once you realize how awesome you are! I have never left you, nor forsaken you. I have always been here. Patiently waiting. Standing at the door, knocking. It was you who turned from me with your self sabotage, self destruction, and running away from me. But I am here as I have always been and will always be - no matter what. I have conquered the world, and my forgiveness is real, and my comfort is yours, and my love is infinite. All I have is yours and I will always love you, and reassure you of that fact, and I will continue to show up for you over and over and over and over. I am here. No matter what. I love you! You are my child and you are exactly as I made you - imperfectly perfect and you are enough!
A Snapshot of My Life Now -- What I've Overcome, What I've Learned
If someone met you today and had no idea what you’ve been through, what would they see? What might they not see?
I think someone not knowing anything about my past automatically would assume I’m gay. I mean, even the cute girl at Circle K asked me if she was ever going to meet my husband. I don’t mean to act gay or whatever it is that gives it away, but I’ve come to a point in my life where I don’t care anymore. I am the vice president of the choir booster organization at my kid’s school and I went up on stage to recruit parents to join the boosters and some asshole kid made fun of me to my son and asked him if I were gay and he said that I was and then that kid proceed to grill him about my marriage to his mom. Later, my son asked me to please not get up and talk in front of anyone or anything like that. I told him that I’m sorry that kid was an asshole, but that I’ve worked way too hard on accepting myself and am finally comfortable with who I am and will not apologize for who I am. I have worked too hard and have come too far for me to apologize to anyone for who I am. I apologized that that kid was a dick to him and made him feel awkward and uncomfortable and it broke my heart that he was put into that situation because of me, but I told him I was not sorry for who I am and asked him that I hoped he understood what I was saying and what I meant by that. Luckily, he understood, but nonetheless that SUCKED for me. So, to answer the question, people will see that I’m gay but what they wouldn’t see is how far I’ve come and how hard I’ve worked to be okay with who I am at this point. I also feel like I portray a lot of confidence in who I am, but I’m insecure and guarded most of the time because I still worry too much about what other people think.
I hope that people will see my love for God and how my faith drives everything I do – I am very spiritually minded, pray often, and work to find the hand of the Lord in all that I do. I try to lead with love, assume the best, and look for the good/silver lining – even in the shitty situations and hard times. I also think I appear as a happy person that brightens any space I am in with my gregarious personality and fantastic sense of humor – I blame my past trauma for my humor as I learned VERY YOUNG how to deflect with humor as my greatest defense mechanism. In reality, I have to work very hard to emulate these things externally as I always say, “there’s only two things I hate in this world: everything and everyone.” It’s easy for me to default into viewing the world through the lens of my past pain and I have to work hard to be a positive force to those around me – which is truly my goal in life. I guess that answers the “what might they not see” part of the question” – the internal struggle to be happy and uplifting externally while struggling with pain internally.
What’s something you’ve accomplished that the younger version of you never would have thought possible?
I’m not sure “never would be possible” applies to me and my story. When I was 13 I turned to my mom at the intermission of my very first theatre experience and said, “I’m gonna do THAT when I grow up,” and here I am at 48 and freakin’ doin’ it! I have always known theatre was going to be part of my life and that this is truly my calling - I’ve been blessed with these talents and abilities by God and knew that this is how I would spend my life. I think high school me probably never thought I’d have a masters degree in education after dropping out not once, but twice! HA! Yes, a two-time high school drop out with a masters degree in education went on to be a high school theatre teacher at the very same high school he dropped out of! See, God really DOES have a great sense of humor! Maybe younger me would be impressed by my resilience and endurance – especially after trying to end my own life. Doing the work, digging deep, and making lasting changes in order to become okay with myself might surprise younger me.
What does happiness actually look like for you now? Not just what it’s supposed to look like, but what it feels like?
Happiness is being content in who I am as a married-to-a-woman gay man and father of three. I have achieved success in the theatre in the sense that I’m an award-winning working actor and director and an in-demand acting coach and teacher. It feels amazing to be doing the things I love and answering only to myself and God. My family is provided for, my marriage is stable, my kids are doing great, and I’d say I’m richly blessed. I’ve been off all my psych meds for nearly three years now and I’ve gotten through my depressive cycles with no meltdowns and no suicidal ideations or attempts. I call that a huge win!
If you could go back and show your past self a “highlight reel” of your life now, which moments would be in it?
A highlight reel of my life would include so many things, but what to put in versus leave on the cutting room floor is the question. Do I approach it from an accolades viewpoint and show the college graduations, my wedding day, the birth of my kids, the nominations and award wins, etc.? Or, do I put in praying for an entire day about whether or not there was a prophet on the earth and hearing the audible voice of God telling me that there is? Do I include the one and only time I had a conversation with my dad whom I’ve never seen or heard as he was killed when I was just 7 months old? Do I include the four times I nearly gave up on my marriage because it was too hard but how God directed me to stick it out and continue to work on myself -- and because of that Allyson and I are on year 26 together? Or do I include the time I tried to take my life but God wouldn’t allow that and how he saved my life and how that experience changed me forever? This is a tough reel to make!
What is something that still surprises you about how far you’ve come?
Honestly, what still surprises me about how far I’ve come is that I’m still here, in the ring, getting my ass kicked, but making the choice to keep fighting - every. single. day. because I know I’m worth it! I haven’t given up yet and I’m really proud of myself for doing the work and making myself a priority.
What’s one thing you’ve accepted about yourself that you never thought you’d be able to?
I don’t have an answer to this. I honestly don’t know. Oh, in the most shallow, carnal, natural man answer would be giving up men. And it’s not that I never thought I’d be able to, it’s that I never thought that I could happily choose to live this life and be fulfilled. I guess I never thought that would happen. I mean, I guess I could leave my family and/or have an affair, but that’s not what I want or even hope for. I made a choice to love and cherish Allyson the day we got married and I’ve never broken my covenants to her. I think this goes for ANYONE who gets married -- you choose the person you’re marrying and choose to remain monogamous and loyal to that one person or you don’t. I took those vows seriously and I promised to put Allyson first and I continue to do so every day. So did I “never think I’d be able to,” I guess not. I have proven to myself over and over again that my family means far more to me than whatever fantasy I have in my mind’s eye, however amazing that sex may be. Whatever I think that experience might be, I know it would NEVER be worth losing my family over. They mean far more to me than anything else out there. I’ve lived the gay lifestyle and wasn’t happy there, so why would I walk away from the amazing people, experiences, and endless blessings to go give it another chance? I quit smoking cold turkey. I quit drinking cold turkey. I quit living the gay lifestyle cold turkey. It’s kind of my pattern I guess.
How do you define strength now compared to how you defined it before?
Strength is endurance. Strength is knowing when to ask for help and not being afraid to say "I need help." Strength is saying "I don’t know" and being able to know when I’m wrong. Strength is being vulnerable and having an open heart and the ability to be real and let my walls down. Strength is compromise. Strength is forgiveness and repentance and relying on the Lord without pride. I think in the past I would have said that strength was putting on a brave face, gritting my teeth and just getting through. It was white knuckling through really hard experiences and not asking for help when I really, really needed it. Strength was having too much pride and not admitting fault or being able to say, “I’m sorry.”
What’s something small—maybe even silly—that brings you so much joy now? (A song? A routine? A type of coffee? A dance move?)
Something that brings me so much joy now is chewing ice. I know, it sounds completely stupid, but I love a giant cup of Circle K ice soaked in “diet brown” whether that be Diet Coke, Diet Dr. Pepper, or Diet Pepsi. As long as it’s diet and brown, I’ll drink it! I’d rather chew ice than just about anything else. I do it all day long every single day. That, and my dog Bailey. She just makes me happy and I love her. Okay, and plain Hersheys chocolate. Or just chocolate in general. I just love it!
How do you honor the struggles you went through without letting them define you?
I think forgiveness is the only way to not get hung up in my struggles. I have to take responsibility for all of my past choices and mistakes, work through them, learn from them all, and then forgive myself. That last part is by far the hardest. I don’t regret any of my past choices or experiences because they have all led me to this moment, and to the amazing person that I am today. I really believe that everything happens for a reason and that there is no such thing as a coincidence. I think a coincidence is just God’s way of reminding us that He’s here, He’s aware of us, and He’s just letting us know. I am not defined by my sexuality - just as I don’t believe I’m defined by my weight, or my severe lack of athleticism, or my mental health struggles. These are all just the small parts that make up the whole of me. I think I honor the struggles I’ve been through by NOT letting them define me. Experience builds character and the refiner’s fire is very real. I think we all have the choice to be a victim of our circumstances or we can own them and use them to our advantage by learning through them and growing because of them. It’s like reviews in theatre - if you read and believe the good you have to read and believe the bad as well -- you can’t have one without the other. In life we all will have good and bad experiences that affect us, but it’s what we choose to do because of those experiences that shape us into who we are. It’s all about accountability, ownership, and agency. How we choose to respond to our struggles defines us -- not our struggles themselves.
A Note to the Reader: You Are Loved, You Are Seen, and You Are Enough
If your reader could only take away one thing from this book, what do you want it to be?
My answer to this is the same as the question, “If God were writing the foreword to this book, what do you think He’d say?”
It doesn’t matter what you’ve been told by so-called Christians. I love you! Full stop. There is NOTHING you have done, are currently doing, or will do that will make me love you any less. You are perfectly imperfect and you are exactly as I made you to be. You are my child and nothing you do will ever change my feelings for you. I am so proud of the person you are - right now, in this moment. And I am so proud of the person you’re going to be once you realize how awesome you are! I have never left you, nor forsaken you. I have always been here. Patiently waiting. Standing at the door, knocking. It was you who turned from me with your self sabotage, self destruction, and running away from me with self hatred. But I am here as I have always been and will always be - no matter what. I have conquered the world, and my forgiveness is real, and my comfort is yours, and my love is infinite. All I have is yours and I will always love you, and reassure you of that fact, and I will continue to show up for you over and over and over and over. I am here. No matter what. I love you! You are my child and you are exactly as I made you - imperfectly perfect and you are enough!
What would you say to the person who picks up this book and feels completely alone?
You are NOT alone! Please, do not suffer in silence. Reach out to trusted family members, friends, clergy members, or any mental health professional. If those people don’t exist in your life there are safe places you can go and resources that are just a phone call away. Cry out to God and I promise you, He will be at your side. Lean on Him, rely on Him, and turn to Him and He will buoy you up. He knows your pain, He understands your grief. In the garden of Gethsemane He took upon him the sins of the world, experienced the suffering you are experiencing now and knows exactly how you feel. Take comfort in the fact that He suffered and died -- but the best part is He overcame the world and through Him, through his atonement, and with his help, we too will overcome whatever it is we’re going through. Turn to God. He is the way, the truth and the life. And through Him we can do all things -- even (and especially) the very hard, sucky stuff! He will never leave or forsake us. Ever!
When did you first truly believe that you were enough? Or are you still learning that?
I knew I was enough when God told me that there was nothing wrong with me for being gay. I prayed and prayed and prayed and begged and pleaded with him to take away my feelings, my desires, and to heal me from this sinful lifestyle. He told me that he had forgiven me already and that I needed to forgive myself and stop coming to him and wasting his time asking him to fix me because there was nothing that needed to be “fixed” with me because he doesn’t make mistakes. He made me exactly how I am and that I need to knock it off, forgive myself and move on. Sometimes it’s hard to remember this because the world can get kinda loud at times and the monsters in my head like to tell me that I am not. But when I get quiet, focus on him, and listen to his still small voice, he reassures me over and over again that I am his child, made in his image, and that he loves me as perfectly imperfect as I am.
What’s something you struggled to believe about yourself that you now hold as truth?
That I am good enough. I think so many of us get down on ourselves that we’re not good enough, smart enough, thin enough, attractive enough, etc. We “coulda shoulda woulda” ourselves and beat ourselves down trying to be anything other than the amazing creatures we were designed to be by our maker. I have been so guilty of doing this to myself and comparing my life and my circumstances, my experiences and my beliefs to others instead of accepting that different isn’t wrong, it’s just different. We’re all on our own journey and it’s okay if those journeys don’t look the same. Yours will look differently than anyone else's and that’s okay! How boring would this life be if we all experienced the same things? I am enough as I am and I am exactly how He made me to be and it’s not up to anyone else to tell me I’m not -- including myself!
What’s one lesson about love—self-love, God’s love, or love from others—that took you way too long to learn?
To quote Mel Robbins, “Let them.” There’s a lot of power in worrying about yourself and letting others thoughts, actions, ideas, opinions, etc. go. Love yourself because you’re the only you on this earth. See yourself the way God sees you -- as his child whom he loves and supports. For those of us with kids of our own I find this easier to understand. Do my kids drive me nuts sometimes? Absolutely. I try to set expectations and teach them right from wrong. I try to protect them and keep them safe. Do they make stupid choices sometimes? Do they have to learn lessons the hard way sometimes? Absolutely. Do I love them any less? Nope! I think about myself as a kid and all the hell I put my mom through and I go, “Ahhh, yes! This! This is what she was talking about!,” and this is how God must feel too. He just wants the best for all of his children, but he understands that some of us just gotta learn the hard way. And I am so grateful that he is a God of second, and third, and ninety sixth chances and that I can always come to him, tell him he was right, apologize, forgive myself and move on. He’s not a God waiting for me to screw up and keeping tabs on me and putting every infraction in my file. No, He forgives and He forgets. And I am so grateful for his endless love that took me way too long to figure out and accept.
If someone reading this is in their own version of “rock bottom,” what’s the first thing you want them to do?
Pray. Cry out to the Lord. He is there. Then, reach out to someone you trust for help. There is no shame in asking for help! It’s actually quite brave to say those words. I get it, it’s also very terrifying to be real and open and vulnerable and to ask for help, but I promise you this: you WILL get through this. You WILL come through this. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel and it’s NOT a train. Do what you can, rely on the Lord, ask for help, and keep taking one step forward every chance you can. There is an incredible song by Melanie Tierce called One More Step that came out in 2017 that got me through a very deep, dark depression. I listened to that song on repeat for months to help me get through a very dark time. And here’s another thing to remember, shadows cannot exist without light! Think about it, we experience darkness at night because we’re in the shadow of the sun. The sun doesn’t stop shining as brightly at night, it’s just that we are in the shadows. Spiritually, we sometimes get so dark and cannot see the light, but remember that shadows cannot exist without light. That light is the light of Christ. Turn to Him and go toward His light! And lastly, what a better, firmer foundation than rock bottom!? Use that to build upon -- I did. And you can too!
Imagine someone finishing the last page of this book, closing it, and just sitting with everything they’ve read. What do you want their next move to be?
Just sit in the amazingness of who they are. To know that they have purpose, they are known and loved by their maker. That no matter what experiences they’ve had along their journey, nothing will keep them from the love and support of our father in heaven. To sit in the knowledge that anything is possible with the Lord’s help. We all have crazy stories and experiences and we’re all just trying to navigate our paths back to heaven. My hope is that we can all be kind to ourselves and each other. That we can see the good in all things. We can look for the blessings and silver linings. Because here’s the thing -- what we look for we find. If we’re focused on being offended, or angry, or how we are being wronged by others we will find it. The same is true if we’re focused on believing the best, assuming good intentions, looking for opportunities to help others, and finding the joy in life. What we focus on we find so let’s try to shift our focus a little and try to see others through the Lord’s eyes, remembering that “they” are his children too, and he loves them just as much as he loves us!
And, truly, to know without a doubt that Jesus Christ is the answer to the blessings of heaven. The Lord tells us that it is through his son that we come to Him. Jesus is my favorite and I freakin' love him! He is literally the coolest guy ever and has my back. He gets me better than anyone else on earth -- even better than Allyson. He gives me real talk when I need it, he helps me course correct and is constantly moving me closer to heaven, and he will do that for ALL of us! How cool is that? He doesn't care what our past looks like. He was there, every step of the way, waiting for us to allow him to help us. He is there to lighten our load, ease our burdens, carry us in our times of need. All we have to do is surrender to him and let him. How cool is that?! If you don't know Jesus, I'd love to grab a Diet Coke with you and chat more about how awesome he is. If you do know Jesus but it's been a hot minute, you should call him. He always answers his phone!
