For as long as I can remember, I have always had a deeply personal relationship with God where we actually talk to one another.  I don’t pray in the traditional sense, I just literally chat with him.  Growing up it was instilled in me by my mom to turn to the Lord always and to read his word.  In the Old Testament I read stories about God talking directly to Abraham telling him that he needed to sacrifice his only son.  I read the struggle and torment that he went through, but faithfully followed the Lord’s command and let his faith be greater than his fear.  I read about God calling to Moses and telling him that he was calling him to a great work and to lead his people out of Egypt.  I read the struggles that Moses endured about not being capable of leading, and not being a good speaker, and the Lord told him to trust Him.  He put his faith above his fear and crossed the Red Sea and led his people to freedom.  Account after account we read of the Lord speaking in the scriptures through a “thundering voice” as in 2 Samuel 22:14, a “still small voice” as in 1 Kings 19:12, a “mighty voice” as in Psalm 68:33, and so on.  We read of his communication with Adam and Eve in the garden, telling Noah to build an arc, to Jonah to go and preach his gospel, etc.  There are so many accounts of the Lord speaking to folks in the scriptures that are just like him pulling up a chair and chatting with his people.  Having read these accounts I just expected the same and communed with him in that same manner.  I always felt that a prayer that started with, “Dear Lord,” just wasn’t authentic or sincere.  Mine typically start with, “Okay, so here’s what’s up,” or something like that anyway.  It wasn’t until later in life that I was told that was considered “irreverent” and/or “disrespectful” to speak to the Lord in that manner.  That blew my mind because, like I said, I was just talking to God the way I had read about him talking to others – me included.  I never meant to be offensive, I was just talking to my maker who understands me better than anyone else ever could – myself included.  He made me this way, he knows me inside and out, and he wouldn’t expect anything else from me.  He meets me where I am and talks to me in a way that I can understand.  If you find this shocking, get a load of this… God swears too!  Yep, he is blunt with me and speaks to me the exact way I need to be spoken to.  He’s told me to “get [my] shit together,” on many occasions!  

As I was coming up with ideas for how to put this whole thing together and tell my story I looked at several different websites for "how to write a book," etc.  Then, a friend suggested ChatGPT to help me organize my thoughts.  I spent several days talking with Karl -- that's what I've named my ChatGPT -- explaining what I wanted to write about, why I felt I wanted to share my story, how I wanted it to feel, etc. and he put me through the wringer as far as questions I had to answer in order to put some sort of order to this whole thing.  The next few entries you see here will be the raw questions and answers -- no fancy writing, nothing special, just real honesty that when finished I can take to an editor to help me make it make sense in book form. And with that, here we go... 

There's a moment in every life when you realize you can no longer live a lie. For me, that moment came wrapped in years of struggle, devotion, self-doubt, and ultimately, divine love. I grew up knowing two things with absolute certainty: that I loved God with all my heart and that I was undeniably different. The problem was, my church, my community, and even my own mind told me that those two things could not coexist. And so, I did what I thought was right -- I fought against my own nature, convinced that if I just prayed hard enough, followed the rules closely enough, and buried my truth deeply enough, God would make me whole.